Autism

Fuck, I Wanted To Win That Yarn

Being disappointed as an autistic is much more difficult than people might think. I, personally, get very excited and build things up in my head, whether it be a social outing or a material item. If I get disappointed, say the social outing was cancelled or I didn’t win the yarn I wanted in a contest I participated in, the bottom of my soul feels like it is dropping out. It sucks and I have no control over my gut reaction.

I’ve had people be very confused over my devastated responses. They think that I shouldn’t be upset over such little things. Just because it seems little to you, it doesn’t mean that it is little to me. I get very sad when social events are cancelled because they have been so far and few in my life. For the longest time, I had no friends whatsoever. Even now, with the majority of my social woes gone, I still burst into tears when someone says that they can’t hang out. It’s a reaction that has lessened in intensity over the years, but I doubt that it will ever go away, just because of all the hurt and loneliness I’ve had in my life.

People often get the misconception that autistics can’t feel feelings or have empathy. We are the opposite of that. Most of us feel intensely, to the point where it is overwhelming and exhausting. Not only do we feel our own emotions, but we often feel the emotions of the humans around us at the same intense levels as our own. I am one yarn ball away from a meltdown at all times, which is honestly scary.

You don ‘t have to understand or get why I’m upset. All I want is to not be told that what is causing the hurt is trivial. For me, it’s not.

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