Autism

Healing Is Just As Hard As The Abuse

Now that I am safely in my new house, away from all the abuse I’ve experienced my whole life, it is time for the healing process to begin. And for fucks sake, it is exhausting.

I spent 27 years dealing with abuse and utter bullshit. I’m a little annoyed that I have to spend even more time healing now, but my brain and vessel are all for it. I’ve been having a lot of panic attacks and meltdowns, but they are truly helping me process everything I’ve been through. There is nothing more cathartic in my book that a good crying session.

I am very strong. I survived some really terrible shit. But, inside of me, is the small child who just wanted love from her parents. I think it’s more that small child that needs the healing, rather than the me now. The me now honestly has dealt with all trauma and is over it. She has healed. But that small child is nowhere near healed. I just want to go back in time and hold my younger self during all the meltdowns, especially the times when my parents forced and locked me in my room. She didn’t deserve any of that.

I also have sexual assault shit I have to deal with. There were times when my ex spouse would insist on touching me when I didn’t want it, when I was having a very bad day sensory wise. They even raped me on more than one occasion. My vessel still shuts down if touched in certain ways, even if it’s by a person I trust the most. I’m currently searching for a gynecologist who will put me to sleep while I have my IUD replaced, because having my legs forced open and foreign objects shoved inside of me is the worst trauma trigger I have ever experienced.

I know I still have a long way to go on my healing journey. I’m just so grateful that I have such a support team of friends. There are many more trauma related meltdowns ahead of me, but I know that I am moving closer and closer to the finish line with each one.

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